Ninety days later…

Several hours ago there was a sharp pain in my heart. The same sharp pain that rendered me floored and incapable of doing anything that resembled productivity this July. This pain that keeps proving everybody that told me time was a panacea wrong. It came back. Initially I thought maybe its the alcohol but as half a tear drop wetted my lower lashes all attempts at self deception fell out the window.

This pain shouldn’t even be in existence. I was the one that decided on severing ties. Is this pain just a manifestation of my guilt? I don’t know, all I know is that when I called you today and realised that I no longer have the luxury of seeing you any time I came through, my heart ached. I don’t even know what it ached for. We both know how the situation made a mess of me, we both know that us separating is the only thing that could bring sanity back into our lives but my heart won’t accept it, I guess. I’m lonely now that you’re gone. The void your absence left behind cannot be filled. All attempts prove futile and inadequate.

I’m lost and can’t seem to remember which path I took to get here. I cannot retrace my steps back “home”. Everything path I try to take sends me further adrift. I don’t know what to do. Often times I wonder if there’s a place on this sojourn specifically made for me to offload this burden, this pain. If there’s a place where love goes when it no longer serves its purpose. I wonder if, like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind”, I could go to a place where memories of you get erased permanently from my mind.

Ninety moons have passed and the pain has not subsided, it still lingers but I guess I can take comfort in the fact that it is no longer as intense. I can take comfort in the fact that it is no longer a constant feature, it possesses me sporadically. The love though, it refuses to subsides and that’s precisely the problem. My heart is big now. Your presence these last several years allowed it to grow, my heart is huge. It grew this big to accommodate you but now that you’re no longer a part of my life, it feels empty. What the fuck am I supposed to do with such a big heart? All this space can only invite pain. The same people that told me time was a panacea also told me that I need to invite a new tenant to occupy this big heart you left behind but everybody I meet feels unworthy. My heart grew to accommodate you, all the contours were tailor-made for you, new tenants can’t help but destroy what you built.

So here I am stuck. Held captives by memories of you, good memories. The bad ones conveniently washed clean by nostalgia. Here I am thinking that maybe this pain is what this huge heart needs right now. Maybe the pain was sent here to dismantle what was built. Maybe my heart needs to shrink back to pre ’11 versions. Maybe a shrunken heart is what is needed to allow new tenant to occupy. Maybe.