Depression. Sometimes it is impossible to describe how nothing specific is ‘wrong’ even as everything feels like a horrible mess.
— Elnathan John (@elnathan) May 30, 2014
I am more sad than happy. I’ve been more sad than happy for as far back as I can remember. That was normal for me. Four years ago I became sad, really sad, happiness was nowhere to be found and life was no longer worth living. An idea was planted in my head to end my life far away from home where there would be no chance of anybody I know finding me. It was a well thought out plan, use my last pay cheque to travel to the coast to drown myself but like everything else in my life, I procrastinated on its execution and by the time I was “ready” to do it my mind was flooded with ephemeral bouts of optimism.
Several months later, I ended up at a local state mental health clinic, the experience was whack but in retrospect, I credit this period as the period where I stopped all attempts at finding “happiness”, whatever the hell that is. One of the things my therapist told me was that my brain is wired to be sad, that’s my baseline and that periods of stress and anxiety are going to push me towards deeper states of depression depending on the severity of the stress source. It’s going to get worse as I grow older until it becomes unbearable. I don’t know if what she said was true, my cynical self leads me to believe that she only told me what she thought would convince me to take SSRIs but I chose to believe it. Maybe one day I will find “happiness” but in the mean time, I decided to make peace with the fact that sadness is normal for me.
I would be lying if I said that things have been rosy ever since, they haven’t, around this time last year two events pushed me to that familiar dark place. I got unfairly dismissed at my last gig and six days later a friend of mine from the University got shot right after I dropped him off at his place. I visited him at the hospital two to three times a week and seeing him get progressively worse until he passed on thirty days later fucked with my mind. Without knowing how, suicidal thoughts would creep into my mind from time to time. I made it through one day at a time by living and not obsessing about “happiness” or whatever.
I am more sad than I am happy and it’s cool. Sadness is a part of me and if the day comes when I am more happy than sad, that would be cool too but for now, I just want to live and not constantly obsess about my feelings and emotions. I want to live without analysing every moment in my life to see if I am not falling into the dark abyss again. If I ever fall into the dark abyss again I will deal with it accordingly but for now, I am living, acknowledging everything emotion as real. Sadness, frustrations, anger are worthy of being felt as intensely as happiness does.