One for four

{Note: This post has been sitting in my draft folder for almost a year now, I have no idea why I didn’t post it a year ago, when it meant something and since I have nothing to write about, I decided to finally post it}

You might or might not know this, Aesop Rock is my all time favourite white rapper. I get him, I get what he’s trying to say 70% of the time and I understand that the people claiming that he’s rhyming about nothing are tool lazy to decipher his abstract musings. This post is inspired by his song “one for four”, a thank you letter to the folks who were there for him during his struggles with a mental breakdown. This is my thank you letter to the people who knowingly or unknowingly kept me alive when all I wanted to do was drown myself in the Indian ocean. Since I’m too pussy to tell them how much they mean to me in real life, I’ll do the next best thing. Do it on the internet, I’m unemployed and words are all I have.

When I first met you I never thought we would be such great friends, you’re like the antithesis of me and the only thing we had in common was a propensity for self-destructive behaviour but you were the best thing that happened to me. In a year where everything went wrong, you were the only thing that went right. You were the only person who knew the full story of my mental breakdown and while everybody went about with their lives, you were one of the few people who cared. There is nothing I can do to repay you, so I am not going to bother trying.

The first place I went to after my weekly therapy sessions was your house. The sessions were mostly useless but the conversations we had on Thursday mornings were therapeutic. It baffles me how simple conversations about beer, women and music could me more beneficial that the astonishing realizations I made in the psych ward but it is what it is. You are one of the most amazing person I know. Selfless, humble, witty and wild. Your ability to genuinely listen to all my disquieting thoughts, no matter how trivial they were, is humbling. You are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I don’t think I deserve to be blessed by knowing you. I hope I can be there for you as you try to figure out your purpose in this world. It’s the least I can do.

At times I worry that I might be a bad influence on you. You’re such a good person and seeing my self-destructive tendencies rub off on you doesn’t sit well with me at times, but I have confidence that you’ll realize how foolish being self-destructive is. Knowing you was a blessing, just by observing you wisdom and street smarts has taught me a lot about life and I will always treasure our friendship.

Out of all the people on this list, I’ve known you the longest. I’ve known you since high school and the best memory I have of you is you picking me up and carrying me home because I was drunk and acting a fool. You’re the only person who genuinely has my back. I can count on you. Through you I have met amazing people and I am a better person because of it. I never told you what was going on in my heard, I was too ashamed. I regret that now, ’cause I know you would have been there for me. Every time it got too much for me, I would head to your place and like magic, talking to you would make me believe that I would be alright. I held on to that belief until things became “alright”. You’re my bro for life bro. Believe that.