I’m Barely here

This blog post has been sitting on my mind for a while now, patiently waiting for me to find ways to word it, to make it sound less weak, emasculate, pathetic or whatever but fuck it, this post needs to depart from me, so that I can move on.

Ever since puberty, I have been erratically going in and out of depression. Like that one relative who just keeps popping in unannounced, it became part of my being, I lived the most part of my existence being at peace with my erratic moods. I became used to not knowing whether my next day will be filled with dark, gloomy clouds or rejuvenating sunshine. Loved ones learned to stay away from me on my off days, I learned to avoid social contact when I was feeling down. The light and dark side of my sub-conscious co-existed peacefully, mutually agreeing not to let the other have the upper hand. All this changed during the bitter-sweet year of 2009.

Although, I try hard not to remember the shit that went down in ’09, I can’t help but recall the emotions I was feeling. I remember feeling sad, frustrate, angry and lonely. I remember trying hard to deal with the shit that went on but finding it very difficult coping. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape feeling of self-loathing, everything I tried reminded of how much of a failure I was. I remember feeling that most of the people I held close to my heart had abandoned me when I needed them most, although I can state unequivocally, that 2009 wasn’t such a bad year, I still felt like shit. A year went on and I think I exhausted my sadness reserves.

All the negative feelings I had in ’09 have been replaced by something even more sinister, the feeling of numbness. I no longer have the energy of feeling sad, angry, frustrated or depressed, I just feel numb, lifeless. I’m dead inside, you would be forgiven for mistaking me for an android and, as sad as this may sound, the only time I feel alive is when I’m having my fifth or sixth glass of brandy and coke.

Everything is becoming an effort, waking up, falling asleep, my apetite is gone. I’m running at 2% efficiency, I can’t function properly and this is seriously becoming an impediment to my progress. This post could go on for days, to cut it should I’ll say this, I’m AQUILOGY and I’m suffering from depression. I’ve been clandestinely reading articles about depression for a year now, some have been helpful, some have been useless. I’ve tried using the techniques that were suggested but they all failed. I’ve ran out of ideas, I don’t know how to escape from this rut that I am in, I have found no means to escape the state that I am in, where I’m held prisoner to my torturing thoughts. I’m planning getting over my fear of medication and finally seeing someone to sedate me ’cause frankly, I’m sick of feeling like shit.

Advertisements