I’m in one of my regular spells where I feel like my life sucks monkey balls, and when I fell like this, it affects everything I do. I have to literally force myself to perform the most easiest tasks. I’ve finally realized what a fail this year has been, I’ve been trying hard to look on the bright side but, I can’t find a positive angle to this fuckery of a year. Lots of things have happened that I can’t divulge here, ‘cause I have respect for the parties involved and it seems people in my life have developed a clandestine habit of spying on me via this blog (which is perplexing considering that this blog peaked two years ago), I’m going to keep my trap shut, the only thing that I can say about the situation that, the crew is dead and there’s nothing anyone can do to bring it back to life
I spend most of the time angry at a lot of things, I’m taking it out at everybody, everybody is starting to avoid me and I end up feeling like I’m left to deal with all this shit alone. There’s nothing more disabling than when a rut coincides with pivotal moments of your friends’ lives, just when the ones closest to me are getting excited about their first cars, first houses and wedding I get to feel like crap. I never was good at pretending but I somehow manage to perfect the act of faking smiles, I have to, you can’t be the brother who’s forever frowning when everybody else is happy.
Half the time I feel like finding comfort in my old friend, alcohol, but I know that I cannot allow my alcoholic brain to trick me into going back to my hard drinking days. I resist the urge but it’s getting harder and harder to resist the urge now that I have to spend every Saturday doing wedding choreography rehearsals, I’m hardly ever in the mood for people, let alone happy people lol but I have to force myself ‘cause I’m the groomsman to two of my best friends’ weddings. Life keeps punching me in the face, I think it’s about time I punch back.