Random Sh!t on my mind: The Soweto Derby edition

[Note: A summary for my non-ZAlien readers: Way back when soccer was the only form of entertainment the system didn’t try to crack down upon and everybody was really passionate about soccer and not pretending to be passionate because the world cup is months away, there was a team called Orlando Pirates and it was awesome. An Orlando Pirates player then decided to leave the team and form his own, more awesome team, Kaizer Chiefs. Ever since then, there has been a fierce rivalry between the two teams. Called The Soweto Derby, every season salty Orlando Pirates’ fans who are still butt hurt over something that happened four decades ago talk shit about Kaizer Chiefs and every season Chiefs kick Pirates’ ass ’cause they’re a much more awesome team.]

  • Network coverage was a joke: Logic tells me that where there’s a possibility of multitudes of people congregating (Malls, Stadia etc), extra cell phone masts would be erected to deal with increased demand. I guess nobody thought of that ’cause trying to make a call at Orlando Stadium this Saturday was torturous, I almost missed the game because of it. There’s this wonderful culture of buying tickets from little children (Sometimes at twice the price) at the stadium gates instead of at ticket outlets. Anyways, A friend got there three hours earlier to hustle for three tickets, the plan was to call him when I get there so he can hand me over my ticket. I got there and for forty minutes I tried calling him but the networks was clogged, I finally got through five minutes before kick-off, apparently thirty minutes after kick-off security personnel didn’t allow anyone to get in.
  • Stadium food sucks balls: It really isn’t that bad but y’all already know I like bitch and moan about the most trivial of things, at any rate, during half-time we went and bought ourselves plates that cost the same as the stadium tickets. The pap was tasteless, the chicken dry and inedible and the salad was too small but none of us really noticed ’cause we were busy watching Kwaito singer Chomee trying to make up for her lack of talent by literally taking off her clothes, I guess ever since Beyonce won a record number of grammy awards for inspiring little girls to be strippers when they grow up earlier this months, shit like that is trendy.
  • A Pirates supporter offered me some booze: We ended up sitting at the Pirates’ side of the Stadium ’cause we couldn’t find any seats on the Chiefs’ side. A lady, a Pirates supporter, sitting next to me smuggled a bottle of Viceroy brandy and during the match she actually poured me a glass of Brandy and coke. Surprisingly she poured me a glass after I celebrated Khune’s (Chiefs’ goalkepper) save, I’m starting to thing the drink was spiked!
  • The definition of an anti-climax: You might’ve noticed that, even thought this post is supposed to be about a soccer, I haven’t said much about the actual game. That’s because the match was boring, for the last year or two the derby has sucked, there used to be a time when twenty people would try to squeeze themselves in the living room with a bucket load of booze, the room would be divided into two, Pirates supporters one side, Chiefs’ on the other. Every time a team would score one side would throw verbal poo at the other side. You can’t do that nowadays ’cause the pussies moonlighting as our soccer players seem to have forgotten how to score a goal, Everyone is sick and tired of the endless goalless draws!

All in all, I enjoyed myself, in spite of the shitty soccer.


2 thoughts on “Random Sh!t on my mind: The Soweto Derby edition

  1. I have a friend who worked at Baragaunuth (sheesh, not sure how to spell it, the big hospital in Joburg) and she told me that working in the casualty section on soccer match days was the worst. She said they had to separate the emergency room into a pirates side and a chiefs side. And you knew after you patched up a guys stab wound (or whatever) there was a good chance he would end up back in the emergency room later… !!

  2. Somehow, that doesn't surprise me at all. Chiefs-Pirates rivalry used to be hectic back in the days.True story, when we were in High School, we attended the Telkom Charity cup. We sat where most of Pirates' supporters were sitting and pirates were playing against Black leopards and when Leopards scored we celebrated 'cause most of us were chiefs supported, people in black and white kits started becoming very hostile, they told us to leave and when we left they clobbered us with their vuvuselas

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