The loner

Those who know me have a certain warped perception of who I am. In my circle, I’m perceived as being the quiet, rude, stand-offish guy who probably thinks that his shit smells like roses. I’m constantly being accused of having a so called “loner Mentality”, always lying to avoid attending any event. I’m none of the things I’m constantly being accused of but I don’t blame people for having that perception of me.

I’m a very reserved, shy, introverted person. It’s something I tried fighting off for years until I came to peace with it, I no longer force myself. I remember last year when my colleague’s girlfriend used to complain about my personality, I would often joke and say that I’m really a martian in a human costume occasionally coming down to earth to check on how everybody is doing, once I’m done I head on over to Mars to recommence my plans for world domination. She didn’t find that statement funny. Often I find myself lying in my bed staring at my ceiling, wondering how life would be if I were different, If I were as outgoing and could relate to the general humanity at a social level. If I was like the rest of my crew, ’cause for a shy individual I hang around a bunch of crazy darkies. Maybe if I weren’t introverted like I am, I wouldn’t find myself broke, unemployed and living my folks. I would have met some important executive who would’ve introduced me to the relevant and I’d be having a kick ass job (This actually happened to someone I know). I sometimes try to figure out the exact moment where I became shy, ’cause I wasn’t like this as a youngin’. Myriads of thoughts of what ifs run through my mind until i say fuck it, I’m going to get something to eat.

On the real though, how much am I putting myself at a disadvantage by being shy. I’ve looked around and I’ve noticed that people who are “successful”in the bullshit sense of the word are outgoing, extroverted individuals and the people on the other end of the spectrum are….. well people who more or less behave the way I do. The scenario is already playing itself at campus; the people who were the “social butterflies” have already secured themselves a position somewhere and my fellow martian, those who performed well academically but where always spotted somewhere walking alone or studying at the library are either desperately searching for employment or have given up altogether and found themselves at home feeling sorry for themselves. Not to sound arrogant or anything but I’ve gone through countless interviews, I’ve learned how to read a situation and I’ve become quiet a good interviewee. If I put my mind to it, I got secure employment. But what’ll happen then? It takes time for me to get used to people and from as long as I could remember, I’ve always had a problem with authority. My limited experience in the working world has taught me that climbing the corporate ladder is mostly about kissing the right asses. Shy people don’t kiss asses very well.

I’ve been thinking about slowly letting go of my antisocial idiosyncrasies, I’ve even stopped the habit that used to annoy everybody: listening to music through my headphones and ignoring everybody in the process but how long will I have to let go of my shyness tendencies before I’m considered fake and insencere.

I’m not as shy as I used to be and the changed wasn’t forced, it just came naturally but there’s something that makes me feel like it isn’t right to ‘force’ a personality change, is it even possible?

2 thoughts on “The loner

  1. I can wholly relate to what you are saying. I am very comfortable with the fact that I am a shy person and will not change for anybody, being a loner definately has its advantages because one has enough time to reflect on the world as readily accepted by the majority.

  2. Fake it till you make it…most celebrities with actual careers not the Kardashian unidentifiable talent whoring career type are quite shy. However most are quite fortunate to hide behind characters they play on the small/big screen or singing on some world stage as super stars. At my last job I was not that girl that had "work drinks" or invited colleagues for birthday outings nah…mix of shyness & the carefully cultivated hermit lifestyle I had going on.

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