Yesterday I felt the lowest I had ever felt this year, I had a strong urge to do some release therapy here but fortunately my workstation is located at conference room/reception area and they had a meeting. So everybody was saved from my typical emo rants. Half the year is almost gone. 2009 hasn’t been good to me, you probably have figured that out by now from my over the top emo blog post, emo tweets and my Facebook status messages. Every thing that could have gone wrong went wrong this year so much so that my boss’ rant yesterday about how my attitude stinks, if I wasn’t a trainee he would have fired me by now, about how he spoke to the HR manager about how “I don’t seem to care about the impression I make”, how he’ll put some unsavoury comments on my final report etc. etc. Didn’t affect me as much as it would have had 2009 been less shittier (I hope that makes sense)
2009 has been testing, my already unstable emotions were even more distabilized. A typical day went something like this:
4h30: I can’t believe I’m waking up this early for bullshit
5h30 Maybe today won’t be as bad as yesterday
6h30 So far so good
7h30 life is so wonderful
8h30 This is the best coffee I ever had
11h30 fuck it! this place sucks
12h30 Maybe this place doesn’t suck that much, maybe its me, maybe all this thing is all my fault. I can’t go on.
13h30 Why does it seem like everything bad only happens to me
14h30 I cannot believe how ungrateful I am; with so many people unemployed why am I complaining so much about this place? there are people hungry out there, I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I’m such a terrible person.
15h30 Wow! what that all about? life is sooooo wonderful
16h30 finally knock of time.
17h30 I’m so alone in this cold room. whatever happened to the life I used to have? all I do now is sit alone and watch TV
18h30 Sandwiches for dinner again *sigh* its better than nothing!
19h30 I haven’t had alcohol in X-amount of weeks maybe that’s why things have been so shitty. Damn the bottle of brandy I’m staring at looks so tempting.
20h30 aaargh whatever! let me go to bed, maybe tomorrow thing will be better.
That was basically how life has been since February and when I look back, I realize that regardless of what everybody says, the only three things I did wrong this year was 1) not leaving the plant(ation) when I had the chance. 2) Giving up fighting when it looked like all hope is gone 3) Allowing all this things to happen. I admit it, had I fought for what was rightfully mine, I would either been fired, which would have saved me from mind torturing my soul or I would have gotten what I wanted. Leaving things as they were was a big mistake but whats done is done, time to leave all the baggage behind and look ahead.
From the looks of things, I would be unemployed when my contract expires. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to the UJ and doing one module I’ve scared of doing: Mech Eng Design III, It is quite a demanding subject. The design project that is given usually consumes all the time a student has and people end up failing other modules ’cause they were busy with their design project but luckily that doesn’t apply to me. When I told my colleague at the plant(ation) this they said I’m just scared of the working world that is why I’m running back to my safe haven: campus. They said it jokingly but they were right. I am somewhat scared of the real world.
Yeah that is what I felt like saying, half of it doesn’t make a sense and I know the post might lack structure but it doesn’t matter anyhow. 2009.5 has been a mess and I hope that the other half of 2009 is bit better even though I’ll be broke.lol. I’m thinking of finding a part-time job as well, to support all my expensive habits and to continue paying off my study loan but well see.