From a very young age I had this ability to predict when a situation is gonna turn bad, I don’t know how to explain it but when I’m about to make a wrong decision something weird happens to me. I usually ignore this feeling and thus suffer the consequences of my bad decision. You would think that I would have trusted this feeling by now but no, I choose to ignore the warning signs and I go ahead and make a bad decision*sigh*. If I don’t learn to trust my gut feeling I’m gonna end up as one major fuck and I can’t afford that. You might be wondering were all this is coming from, I was whimsical a few days ago. My family and friends were happy to see me excited for the first time of going to work, I packed my bags very quickly on Sunday, I couldn’t wait to get to this f***ed up town where everybody seems to be stuck in the early 80’s. What could have happened to pull me back into the world I go when things don’t go my way, a world were my thoughts torture me, where the little voices in my head keep telling how much of failure I am for not being smart enough to prevent myself into getting into such a predicament. well let me tell you guys what happened.
If you’ve been reading this blog for more than two months you might recall that late November my mentor/boss/The engineering manager promised to give me a new position, The junior project engineer was resigning and on January I was supposed to take over from her and assist the project engineer in running projects .
I had doubts about taking that position ’cause I was planning on leaving the plant( ation), I finally decided to stay, thinking that I was gonna enjoy doing projects, I spent the whole of December thinking about how great I’m gonna be, how I’m gonna be the best project engineer they’ve ever had, how I’m gonna prove the bastards that have plotting to get me fired wrong. I woke up earlier than usual thinking how great my day is going to be. I got to work and I asked the boss when am I gonna start acting as a project engineer, he looked at me, kept quite for a few seconds and told me that they have been some “complications”: the projects engineer is being transferred to the Delmas plant and as a results projects will be aborted. I asked him what’s gonna happen to me and told me that I should keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past five months( which is basically working as a fitter). I was so disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything to say, I just shook my head, stood up and walked out of his office. I couldn’t do anything for the whole day so I went to the boiler room and sat there and stared at the furnace for nine and a half hours. I should be angry that I keep getting fucked over and over again but I’m not. I’m just numb, I guess I’ve been fucked over so much that I don’t feel anything anymore. I was thinking of resigning but I’m too broke for that, I’ll look for another company and in the meantime just keep doing shitty work. I regret not listening to my gut-feeling
A few months ago I was suspecting that the people I stay with were planning on moving and they didn’t want me to know about it, that feeling I have came back. I should have moved out when I had that feeling but I didn’t I chose to ignore it. I regret not trusting my gut feeling ’cause yesterday they told me that on Thursday they’ll be moving to Pretoria. I’m just pissed that they didn’t have the decency to tell me sooner so that I could find alternative accommodation. They even had the nerve of asking for rent on the 31st even though they knew they were leaving( bloody bastards). They are not kicking me out or anything, they’ll be renting their house to another couple and they said I can keep my room. The problem is I don’t know the people that will be moving in, I stayed with them because they knew my mother and I thought I could trust them, I guess I was wrong. I’m so angry at them for doing this to me, I should have moved out when they started eating my food! I wish them all the luck in Pretoria and I hope that their conscience eats them up so much that they can’t sleep at night for effing with me like this!